What Not to Say to Someone Struggling With Infertility
- Elizabeth King
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
When someone you care about is struggling with infertility, it is natural to want to help.
You want to offer comfort. Encouragement. Hope.
But infertility is one of those experiences where even the most well-intentioned comments can sometimes cause more pain than comfort.
If you know someone navigating infertility, IVF, pregnancy loss, or fertility treatment, one of the most supportive things you can do is simply be mindful of the words you choose.
Here are a few common phrases that may not be as helpful as they seem and what you can say instead.
1. “Just Relax.”
This is perhaps one of the most common comments people hear when struggling with infertility.
While it is often meant as reassurance, it can feel dismissive.
Infertility is a medical condition, not something caused by stress alone. Telling someone to relax can unintentionally suggest they are somehow responsible for what they are experiencing.
Instead, try:
"I can only imagine how difficult this must be. I'm here if you need support."
2. “Everything Happens for a Reason.”
When someone is experiencing loss, disappointment, or uncertainty, this phrase can feel invalidating.
Most people navigating infertility are not looking for explanations. They are looking to feel seen and understood.
Instead, try:
"I'm so sorry you're going through this."
Simple, genuine empathy often means more than trying to find meaning in the situation.
3. “At Least You Can Get Pregnant.”
For someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, this comment can be especially painful.
Loss is loss.
Trying to focus on a perceived positive can unintentionally minimize the grief someone is carrying.
Instead, acknowledge their experience:
"Your loss matters, and I'm so sorry."
4. “You Can Always Adopt.”
Adoption can be a beautiful path to parenthood, but it is not a replacement for the grief of infertility.
Comments like this can make it seem as though someone's current pain should simply be solved by choosing another option.
The reality is that family-building decisions are deeply personal and often complex.
Instead, allow space for their feelings without offering solutions.
5. “When Are You Having Kids?”
Many people ask this question casually without realizing the impact it may have.
For someone struggling with infertility, it can feel incredibly painful and isolating.
Unless someone has chosen to share their fertility journey with you, it is often best to avoid asking questions about family planning altogether.
You never know what someone may be experiencing behind the scenes.
What to Say Instead
You do not need the perfect words.
In fact, some of the most supportive responses are also the simplest.
Consider saying:
• "I'm here for you."
• "That sounds really hard."
• "You don't have to go through this alone."
• "Thank you for sharing this with me."
• "How can I support you right now?"
Support does not come from having all the answers.
It comes from being willing to listen, acknowledge the pain, and show up consistently.
Sometimes Presence Matters More Than Words
One of the biggest misconceptions about supporting someone through infertility is that you need to know exactly what to say.
You do not.
Most people are not looking for solutions. They are looking for a connection.
A text message. A check-in. A listening ear. A reminder that they are not alone.
Those small moments of support often mean more than any advice ever could.
Looking for More Fertility Support?
Whether you are navigating infertility yourself or supporting someone who is, having the right support can make all the difference.
As a fertility coach, Elizabeth helps women feel more informed, supported, and empowered throughout their fertility journey.
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